Families around the world often have bitter experiences when there is an inheritance at stake. Gina Rinehart, once estimated to be the world’s richest woman due to her company’s iron ore reserves, was involved in an acrimonious fourteen-year lawsuit with her stepmother over her father’s estate. Subsequently, her own children became embroiled in a bitter dispute with her over the inheritance they were to receive from the trust in their grandmother’s name.
Bitter inheritance disputes need not involve billions of dollars. Even paltry sums of a few thousand dollars can become messy as beneficiaries claim what they believe belongs to them. However, with God, we can rest in the knowledge that the inheritance we have in Him will be bequeathed to us exactly as promised.
The
Fifth Commandment
“Honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you”—Exodus 20:12.
This seems to be a straightforward commandment. All we have to do is honor our mother and father, and as a consequence, God will give us land, allowing us to live longer than we might otherwise expect.
The
Concept Of Honor
Let us take a look at this commandment and see what God is really saying. The Ten Words of God are more than just simple rules for children to live by. As we have seen in the previous commandments, there is a much deeper meaning implicit in these statements regarding what God requires of His people—and all people—if they are to be numbered among those who belong to Him and have transitioned from death into life.
The word “honor” means to show respect and acknowledgment for someone who is worthy of such accolades. To claim that someone is worthy of honor when they are not truly deserving of such recognition is to deceive and bear false witness. People do this all the time. They flatter, exaggerate, and falsely honor others for personal gain or public approval, but not to honor God. In fact, by doing this, God is dishonored.
I attended the funeral of a man that left me bewildered. Here was a man being declared by church ministers and leaders within the Christian community as a holy saint. Based on what these people were saying about him, I got the impression that he lived a life so close to being Christ-like that he was faultless. The truth is, he was a divorced minister who would get drunk with his girlfriend, with whom he had been having a sexually intimate relationship for two years prior to suddenly dying of a heart attack. Essentially, these Christian leaders were suggesting that wrongdoing is acceptable, which is evil in the sight of God. These leaders were either deceived by the man or were knowingly offering false accolades, using God as some kind of genie whom they would call upon when they faced difficulties. This is not honoring God; this is honoring the sins of our parents.
If we were to say that this man had been honoring his parents, we could agree with the following definition of honor: To show honor to our parents is to demonstrate our appreciation for what they have done for us by acknowledging them with such high esteem that we consider ourselves privileged to identify with them and follow in their footsteps.
Whether we like it or not, we Christians are more inclined to identify with the sins of our parents rather than the righteousness of God, whose name, as revealed through our Lord Jesus Christ, we claim as our identity.
Five
Deity And Five Societal Commands
The significance of this commandment goes beyond simply honoring our parents because they are our parents. This commandment is the fifth one that mentions God. There are five commandments that do not mention God; these are essentially commandments that govern relationships between people. Although the Decalogue is often said to have four commandments that apply to God and six that apply to man,[i] this view is typical of the misinterpretation that occurs when people twist the Scriptures to fit their own understanding. Just as Sabbath-keepers, who insist that people must keep one day of the week for salvation, contend that this commandment refers only to man and not to God, it is easy from a natural perspective to think that this commandment does not refer to our Heavenly Father. The truth is that the first five commandments apply to our relationship with God, while the second five apply to our relationships with other people. Highlighting this is the fact that there is no reference to God in the last five commandments of the Decalogue. The fifth commandment states that God is the one who is giving us the land as an inheritance, not our mother or father.
The
Fifth Commandment In Perspective
According to Jesus, everyone who does the will of God is His mother, brother, and sister (Matthew 12:50). There is really no distinction among humans between parents and brothers and sisters once people see each other as God does. Therefore, while the fifth commandment refers to one’s parents, it is ultimately a reference to God. This is the case even though it serves as a kind of bridging commandment that applies to both God and man. In fact, this commandment is about our roots—how we have come to exist.
A
Man And Woman Mystery
Biologically, we are the offspring of our father and mother, but this is not necessarily the case psychologically, socially, or spiritually. God is the creator of all things, and when we are born, we are born as living souls, just like all the other creatures on this planet. However, God puts a spirit within us. How God does this exactly, we do not know. Nevertheless, God does place a spirit within us, and this is what distinguishes us from animals.
God created the first man in His image. This does not necessarily mean that the first man, Adam, physically looked like God, but that he reflected his Creator. When it says that God created man in His image, Genesis 1:27 states, “…in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.” What this means is that the true image of God consists of two spirit beings living in unison. The Bible teaches that God is one God. The Father and the Son are one. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are also one. Therefore, the image of God is found in unity. This is about two becoming one. The Apostle Paul says, concerning a man and a woman, that the two becoming one is a great mystery: “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a great mystery, and I am applying it to Christ and the church” (Ephesians 5:31-32).
There is a mystery here that requires us to accept what is revealed and to consider that which we fail to comprehend may be unnecessary for us to know. However, what is necessary for us to know, God has already revealed. It is essential for us to understand that God requires a man and a woman to become one in what they do so that they might have power over the Devil and live as kings and queens on Earth. Unfortunately, in most instances, this is not the case, but it need not be so if we are willing to trust, obey, and do the will of God, which is what this commandment is all about.
The
Purpose Of Existence
Acknowledging our roots means recognizing that God is the Creator and that there is a purpose for our existence. If there is no Creator, there is no purpose for being here on Earth. If the Universe came into being as a result of a chance event, with chaotic molecules crashing into each other, it is rather amazing that these molecules have been able to organize themselves into life forms with their many stable systems. When we consider the numerous systems that exist within the ecology of the planet, this is remarkable in itself. Furthermore, when we consider that the Moon revolves around the planet Earth (at 2,288 mph), which spins on its axis (at 1,044 mph) and orbits the Sun (at 67,000 mph) on a regular basis—and has been doing so not just for one or two years, but for thousands of years—it is inconceivable that there is not a Creator. Mathematically, it is impossible for there not to be an Omniscient Being who has established principles, biological mechanisms, and genetic codes so that life can exist and reproduce. Common sense tells us there is a purpose for our being on Earth, and we need to discover our reason for being here.
Since we did not ask to be born, those who brought us into the world are responsible for telling us why we exist. From the first man and woman down the line, the true reason for our existence is that we live to glorify God. Unfortunately, sin has made this truth obscure. This is why God has needed to intervene and put the reason for our existence in written form with His own handwriting (Ex. 32:16, 34:1; Deut. 5:22; 10:4; cf. Ex. 32:32-33; Ez. 18:21-24; Eph. 3:9-11). The Decalogue states that if we honor our father and mother, we will live long in the land that the Lord our God gives us. In doing this, we honor God and bring glory to His name. However, there are some qualifications to this.
How
To Qualify For Parental Honor
If our mother were a prostitute and a drug addict, and if our father were a pimp and drug dealer who had murdered people and thought nothing of stealing, bearing false witness, or showing disregard for others, we would probably have some difficulty honoring either of our parents. This is because their immoral lives would not have produced much of worth to honor.
If our parents were negligent, physically abusive, and emotionally mistreated us by always putting us down, then we would struggle to show them the respect due to someone who loved us and wanted the best for us in our lives. Yet many people do copy their parents and emulate their behavior because, in their ignorance, they see this as the best way to survive. Although we all have a tendency to imitate our parents, the truth is that certain events produce good feelings within us, while various actions by different people can elicit hatred toward the ethnicity, culture, religion, socio-economic group, or authority with which they may identify. Generally, we will only honor people for the good they do, not for their evil acts.
If our mother and father take an interest in helping us become the best individuals we can possibly be and do their best to achieve this, then we will honor them accordingly. However, if we are raised in a culture where we are expected to honor our mother and father simply because they are our blood, we may do so regardless of their faults. In doing this, we may find ourselves inclined to perpetuate the same sins that our parents commit. However, we will discover that we are only prepared to show limited honor to our parents. What appears to be honor is more about our roots and trying to justify our existence from a human perspective rather than seeking God’s perspective—which is truth and justice.
It is difficult to justify our existence from God’s perspective if we have no knowledge of God or possess only limited knowledge about Him. However, if we know God as Lord, it becomes easier to put everything into perspective and honor our parents for who they are and what they have done for us. We do not need to honor our parents’ failings, nor should we deny them; rather, we can honor our parents for the good they have done—and this alone is all that is required of us.
Jesus
Perspective On Family
When Jesus was confronted about who His brothers and sisters and mother were, he was quite clear about where He stood. Effectively, Jesus denied His mother when He said that whoever hears the word of God, and does it, this is whom He will identify with and honor. To quote Scripture:
“Then his mother and his brothers came; and standing outside, they sent to him and called him. A crowd was sitting around him; and they said to him, “Your mother and your brothers and sisters are outside, asking for you.” And he replied, “Who are my mother and my brothers?” And looking at those who sat around him, he said, “Here are my mother and my brothers! Whoever does the will of God is my brother and sister and mother” (Mark 3:31-35).
Jesus went on to say elsewhere:
“So everyone who acknowledges me before men, I also will acknowledge before my Father who is in heaven, but whoever denies me before men, I also will deny before my Father who is in heaven.
“Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. And a person’s enemies will be those of his own household. Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.” (Matthew 10:32-39).
The obvious point that Jesus is making here is those who want to do dishonorable things are not worthy of Him or the Father. If we want to honor our parents rather than do the will of God, then Jesus will deny us before our Father in Heaven.
At times, the Bible seems so unreasonable, and this is why it is so easy for us to question its authority. What we do not like to hear or read, we simply do not acknowledge. However, if we want to be acknowledged by God, we need to acknowledge Him, not just in words but also in our ways. I suppose it is really God’s way or the dreaded road to the horrors of Hell.
For the Christian, there is a song that says it all: “I want God’s way to be my way, every moment of the day. For there is no other highway that a child of God should know. Though the way is steep and rough, that it’s God’s way, that’s enough. I want God’s way to be my way, every day”—God’s way is the Holy Way; it is the only highway the redeemed should know (Isaiah 35:8-10).
Earthly
Mother And Eternal Father
A number of decades ago, an acquaintance of mine took pleasure in experimenting with different types of amphetamines, barbiturates, and hallucinogens, ingesting both naturally occurring and synthetic varieties. He encouraged his brother to do the same. His mother was informed that her sons were experimenting with drugs, but she challenged the person making the statement and declared that her children did not take drugs. Some weeks later, she had cause to come and see me. During our conversation, she told me that she knew God better than I ever would and that I had no right to discuss religion or even suggest to her that she or any member of her family ought to seek God.
Within thirty minutes of her leaving my place, she sent her son Brian to visit me. He was one of the sons experimenting with drugs. He verbally abused me and told me that I had no right to suggest that his mother needed to know God. Then, looking up at the ceiling with his finger raised, he challenged God, saying that if God was alive, he would rather be dead than know Him.
Brian had been exposed to the Bible, good preaching, and wonderful Christian people. He had gone through the sinner’s prayer, attended church, and even gone up to the sinner’s bench to confess sin after having professed to ask Jesus Christ into his life. Yet here he was, experimenting with drugs and spurning the blood of Christ.
Some months earlier, I had heard a preacher testify about how twenty bikers challenged God at one of his gospel meetings in the 1950s, saying they would rather die on their motorcycles than serve God. The preacher said that within one year, every one of the bikers had received their request, and each one had died on his motorbike in a road accident.
When I heard Brian say what he did, I thought that if what I had heard the preacher say were true, Brian would be dead within a year.
Tragically, it was not long before the arrogant, foul-mouthed Brian obtained his request from God—he was hit by a car while high on drugs and was found dead in the morgue after having been missing for several days.
Another of the woman’s sons decided that he would seek Jesus Christ and asked God to reveal Himself to him. After acknowledging the feeling of a wonderful presence coming upon him when he asked Jesus Christ to come into his life as his personal Savior, he decided to read the Bible. He took the Bible home to read, but his mother told him that he had to put her before God or leave her house. He chose to honor his mother rather than God; however, because of what happened to his brother, he decided not to take illegal drugs again. Instead, today, he is an alcoholic—much to his mother’s chagrin and shame.
Honoring our parents is commendable when done in accordance with the will of God, but not when it comes to disregarding God. If our parents would have us sin, it is far better that we acknowledge the Eternal Father and Lord Jesus Christ as our true source of life. Even Jesus placed His mother on the same level as anyone else; there was no pedestal for her. She has a place in the family of God, as we all do—provided we do the will of God.
Essentially, we do not owe anybody anything because we never asked to be born. However, we do owe it to ourselves to find out why we were born and what God would expect us to do on Earth.
The
Effects Of Environment
When we are born, we may grow up in an environment that changes significantly, or we may be in an environment that hardly changes at all; for the society and culture into which we are born affect us greatly. Today, cultures are rapidly changing, and we can expect to see much more change than we would have seen in years gone by. This is particularly true if we had been born into a tribe living in the South American jungle, the African plains, the New Guinea highlands, or the Himalayas; or into a village in China, India, Southeast Asia, or one of the Pacific Islands. Yet, while the world is changing, much remains the same—as the saying goes, “The more things change, the more they stay the same.”
Children still require a mother and a father, even though same-sex couples are attempting to change this and make procreation a test-tube event. Regardless of any technological intervention, children will still go through the stages of growth that all children experience to become adults, for this is how God has biologically programmed us.
The stages of biological maturation or growing older are universal, except that nutrition and education play a major role in the process. Poor nutrition can lead to susceptibility to various illnesses or diseases, learning disabilities, and an early death. A lack of education will limit people’s ability to appreciate the world around them and to develop their knowledge of themselves and their social and physical environment.
What really happens, regardless of where we are born, is that our environment largely affects us. How we learn to respond to what happens around us socially depends on the belief system we develop. Our belief system is the result of how we interpret events and reinforce our thinking and attitudes through those interpretations.
Spiritually, we are placed into a world governed by sin. God’s eyes roam the Earth, and He is watching to see what we will decide when presented with situations that require us to make a decision about what is right and what is wrong (Pr. 15:3; Rom. 8:27; 2:1-11).
Initially, we look to our family members as models for behavior. As we grow, we begin to notice that some people do things differently than our family does. As long as these differences do not involve breaking God’s commandments, there is no problem. However, little things, such as wanting what our brother, sister, mother, or father has and deciding to take the item without asking, border on sinfulness.
As we mature, we may observe that our older siblings or parents engage in certain behaviors while disallowing us the same freedoms. At first, we may simply model their actions, but eventually, we must question whether what we are doing is right or wrong. This internal conflict arises when we engage in actions we know we should not, despite our parents' warnings. When our parents discover that something is damaged and ask if we did what we were told not to do, we might deny our actions and attempt to shift the blame onto the dog, the cat, or even a local burglar.
At this point, the issue of right and wrong becomes prominent, and we may feel our conscience pricking us. If we ignore our conscience, we risk losing our ability to make sound moral decisions. When children begin to dishonor their parents by being disobedient in little things, they are breaking the fifth commandment. When children try to deceive their parents, they are doing more than just breaking the fifth commandment. Nevertheless, God wants children to respect their parents so that they may learn to be humble and acknowledge that those who have gone before them know more than they do. Eventually, this should lead children to realize that God Himself, who brought everyone into being in the first place, knows more than all; for He alone is omniscient.
When the Archangel Lucifer decided to challenge God, his moment of blindness caused him to overlook one simple fact—that his Creator knows more than he does because He existed before him. The deception of sin causes people to overlook the fact that those who have lived longer generally possess more wisdom than their younger counterparts—rarely is it a case of “young shoulders, old head.” The combination is as scarce as hen's teeth.
When it comes to young children and their parents, this is certainly the case; the parents know more than their children do. Parents who love their children teach them right from wrong and show them why it is better to obey than to disobey. This is how children learn to honor their parents in a positive manner—one that creates a desire to respect their parents based on an appreciation that is found in genuine love.
If parents wrongfully punish their children, this can cause a sense of injustice if not dealt with appropriately. When children are punished, they need to be shown principles of justice if they are to truly respect and honor their parents. Children find it much easier to obey and appreciate their parents when they see that mercy triumphs over judgment and that ignorance is forgiven. When the children become parents, they will also understand that another chance can be given to their own children, when needed—rather than punishment—so that their children can demonstrate their willingness to obey and appreciate the benefit of knowledge because of the love that has been shown to them.
The
Concept Of Teenager
After the Second World War, the concept of the teenager was developed, and advertisers began targeting this group. For Lucifer, the god of this world and the Prince of the Power of the Air, who works in the minds of the disobedient, this has proven to be a great way to divide and conquer the family unit. As a result, teenagers see themselves as a separate social group, distinct from parents, other adults, and prepubescent children. This has created a rebelliousness that has led to a rupture of social cohesion, where many teenagers seem to think they can do whatever they like without consequence.
Politicians in many jurisdictions have further reinforced this mindset by legislating that children under the age of eighteen are minors and are therefore exempt from punishment. The corrosion of accountability is compounded when legislation has made it unlawful for parents to use (what is sometimes referred to as) the board of education[ii] as a means of control when their children repeatedly misbehave and refuse to comply with civility.[iii] Conse-quently, young teenagers, and even preteen children, are stealing, drug-dealing, vandalizing, and committing acts of violence, exempt from fear of punishment. One can be forgiven for thinking that the concept of the teenage years has turned into the cult of the unruly teenage leers—with Lucifer at the helm in the spiritual realm.
The
Process Of Maturation
Maturation, often referred to as “growing up,” goes through a number of processes that have been identified as common to all individuals. The obvious divisions of maturation are adult and child. We can further divide adults into young adults and elders, and children into teens and pre-teens. The teenager can be further divided into young teens and youths, while pre-teens can be categorized into school-age and preschool-age children. Preschool-age children can also be divided into babies and children, which can be further divided into older children and toddlers, as well as newborns and older babies. The different classifications do not stop there. The maturation process encompasses various aspects of development, such as physical, intellectual, psychological, social, and spiritual. Children begin life on Earth totally dependent on their mothers, and then they grow to discover significant others who have a pronounced effect on their lives as they move toward becoming independent—or, more accurately within society, interdependent—adults.
The
Promise
This promise is not merely associated with obeying one’s parents, but with obeying the Lord. What this means is that we do not obey our parents if what they are asking us to do or believe is contrary to what the Lord God requires of us. The Book of Ephesians tells us:
“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother’—this is the first commandment with a promise: ‘so that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.’ And, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:1-4).
There is also a broader meaning to obeying our parents in the Lord. Contrary to what many might believe, there are spiritual parents—often erroneously referred to as “godparents” during baby baptisms—who are responsible for those they lead to salvation. Additionally, elders can serve as adopted parents, providing spiritual oversight for a fellowship or congregation. It is profitable to obey these individuals in the Lord and to avoid being divisive or acting contrary to the spirit of unity, especially if these elders are performing the tasks of true shepherds.[iv] This is confirmed for us all in the Book of Hebrews, which says:
“Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they are keeping watch over your souls, as those who will have to give an account. Let them do this with joy and not with groaning, for that would be of no advantage to you” (Hebrews 13:17).
The same principle that applies to leaders in the church also needs to be recognized regarding children’s natural parents. Parents who love their children are keeping watch over them, knowing they will have to give an account of what they have done before God. However, children who are disobedient will not reap the rewards that are available to those who love and obey their parents.
Fathers
Not To Provoke Anger
In the Book of Ephesians, chapter six, as quoted
earlier, fathers are admonished not to provoke their children to anger, but rather
to instruct them in the ways of God so that they might know what is right to
do. This also applies to mothers. Unfortunately, today, far too many parents in
Western society are seen losing their tempers with their children, rather than
providing them with profitable instruction and a worthy role model to imitate.
Instead of educating their children in the benefits of godly wisdom, parents
often find their buttons pressed by their children, who learn that if they want
an immediate reward, it pays to provoke their parents. Many children find this
especially effective when done in public, as parents may feel at a loss for
what to do and struggle to maintain control over their children.
.Growth
Of Child Abuse
Paradoxically, the very laws designed to protect children from abusive parents and child exploitation have enabled children to abuse and manipulate their parents without punishment, as they can exploit these laws to their own advantage. In many jurisdictions, if a parent resorts to punitive measures, the child can simply contact a government agency, which will then proceed to prosecute the parent for child abuse while neglecting to attend to the child’s real needs. Tragically, many children who become parents abuse their own children, even though they themselves had not been abused in their own homes. According to the US Department of Health and Human Services,[v] only thirty percent (30%) of child abuse victims go on to abuse their own children as parents. This means that seventy percent (70%) of abused victims do not go on to abuse their children. If only thirty percent of abused children become abusive parents, the incidence of child abuse should be decreasing dramatically every decade; instead, it is escalating at a rate that appears to nearly double every fourteen years. The problem has nothing to do with being disciplined and, if necessary, punished from a godly perspective within a biblical framework of rearing children. The increasing rates of child abuse are related to children growing up undisciplined, not being punished appropriately for bad behavior, and believing they are unaccountable for their actions. Hence, instead of being loving and caring, these parents refuse to take responsibility for their own abuse and neglect of the very children they have brought into this world.
Rite
Of Passage
Every child has needs as he or she grows up. God has equipped every mother and father with the means to meet these needs. The mother is able to nurture the child as a baby. As a toddler, the child will still look to the mother but will also become more aware of the father’s existence. Sooner or later, the child becomes aware of both parents and how they require the child to behave.
In what are described as more primitive societies, mothers usually look after prepubescent girls and boys. When the boys are considered old enough, they are taught by the men. There is usually a rite of passage at this time, where the boys are acknowledged as young men and have their identity within the community affirmed as responsible individuals worthy of respect. Likewise, the girls have a rite of passage (often called “secret women’s business”) whereby each is recognized as a young woman and has her womanhood affirmed. Unfortunately, sophisticated modern societies, such as we see today, do not have such a simple dichotomy of social recognition, where one day a boy or girl is declared no longer a child but an adult—one who is worthy of being acknowledged as a significant member of the community.
Developmental
Child Psychology
As a child grows into an adult, there are six stages[vi] identified by Erik Erikson that need to be entered and exited in a fulfilling manner for true maturity to take place. The first stage is trust versus mistrust. The second stage involves the child learning autonomy rather than experiencing shame and doubt. The third stage is where autonomy begets initiative rather than guilt. The fourth stage builds on the initiative exercised, allowing the child to find fulfillment in becoming industrious and exhibiting self-confidence and self-mastery, rather than feeling inferior. The fifth stage occurs when the child enters puberty and must discover new truths about life and personal bodily transformation, or the lack thereof, which brings about identity issues and a self-consciousness that previously did not exist. This can quickly manifest as rebellion against authority and the status quo. The outcome of puberty leads to the sixth stage, where the child enters the later years of youth, seeking intimacy and finding a fulfilling role as a parent, or feeling isolated from a sense of meaningful existence and struggling to find meaning in life.
The
Permissive Society
There are differences in cultures. Western society is experiencing more violence and a lack of self-control among teenagers, which appears to be the result of the permissiveness that prevails within social life. This does not necessarily mean that young people do not acknowledge their roots; rather, the disjointedness of age-related peer groups, which form the basis of modern society, tends to isolate and alienate many teenagers from their parents and authority.
In societies where the culture is not as sophisticated as that of industrialized countries, and where children are not placed in schools that condition them to think in terms of age groups, family life serves as the primary place of learning. In these societies, there is a greater attachment to parents, the elders within the community, and their traditional roots.
An
Experiment In Child Development
Jean Leidloff wrote a book entitled The Continuum Concept,[vii] in which she documented her observations of a Venezuelan tribe of Indians with whom she lived for some time. What she observed was the natural process by which children grew up within a society where anxiety and frustration were unknown. The men and women had defined roles, and competition was not encouraged. Nobody was required to do anything other than what he or she saw was needed. The parents served as role models for the children, and as the children grew older, they simply played together and helped wherever required, but only when shown what to do. When it came time for pubescent boys to leave the camp, they would see the tribal elder waiting for them in the forest and eventually decide to leave the females and prepubescent boys to follow the elder as part of the rite of passage to manhood. There was no aggression or insistence that the boys leave the camp. Each boy would become bolder and commit to his decision by venturing further away, sometimes over a period of days, until he was with the elder and the camp with the women and children was out of view. The young girls grew up within the camp to become young women and mothers.
After reading Jean Leidloff’s book, a social worker related to me by marriage decided to use the idea of “the continuum concept” to raise her son. She breastfed her son until he was three years old and carried him on her back until she could no longer do so. Her son proved to be a pleasant, mild-mannered boy who did quite well in school and did not have any of the difficulties that many other children seemed to experience. Unfortunately, the woman died when the boy was about twelve years old. The last time I saw him, at the age of twenty, this boy—now a young man—exhibited confidence, control over his circumstances, and satisfaction with life, having become engaged to be married.
The experiment conducted by this social worker in raising her son to replicate the experience of the Venezuelan Indians demonstrated the value of letting go and being let go, as a natural consensual process between mother and child, rather than pushing her child away before he was ready to let go. In a Western social setting, the fact that the social worker’s child exhibited a peaceful self-assuredness and showed no signs of an identity crisis during his teenage years supports the idea that the maturation process requires each child to evolve through the stages naturally, much like a snake or lizard sheds its skin as it grows larger and older. When a child does not complete the God-designed transformational process through each stage of his or her natural psychosocial development, underdevelopment (in terms of self-mastery) and psychological maladjustments can become problematic, as future maturation may face restrictions rather than becoming truly full and rich. However, this does not mean that each individual is no longer accountable for their behavior or actions, for each child has a conscience and is capable of determining right from wrong..
Developing
A Worldview
The age at which children begin to learn right from wrong is usually the toddler age (18 months to 3 years). This is when toilet training and parental patience often come into conflict. According to Erikson, shaming is often the means within various societies that develops a preconscious conscience in children. This age is known as the “terrible twos.” Children develop either a sense of autonomy, which is often regarded as rebelliousness, or a sense of shame or doubt, which is frequently perceived as stubbornness. In general, children appear to be conditioned by their environment, which is largely governed by their parents. However, this does not mean that parents should be entirely blamed for their children becoming rebellious, even if poor parenting is a significant factor.
As we grew up, we formed ideas about the world around us. These ideas shaped what is known as our personal worldview, which is largely influenced by how we perceive the world through our interactions with our parents and, if we had any, older siblings, as well as, usually to a lesser extent, other significant people in our lives (playmates, relatives, schoolteachers, coaches, etc.). Our worldview is essentially our belief system and, more often than not, is based on attitudes rather than clear thinking.
Attitudes develop along the lines that if people did kind things for us as children, they would be liked, while those who did nasty things to us would be disliked. Nonetheless, our thoughts about our father and mother, and how we have come to perceive them, largely affect our attitudes and shape our belief system. We may have come to see our parents as grown-ups whom we needed to respect out of fear; as kind individuals whom we respect out of love; as people we should show respect to simply because they are our mothers and fathers; or perhaps as individuals not worthy of our respect. How we view our own mother and father will shape our perceptions of other people, life, and God.
For example, one person I met claimed he became a Christian because he thought God was angry with him. Later on, he revealed that his own father was always angry with him because he would do wrong things; consequently, he saw God as an angry father figure. In contrast, I have always seen God as someone who loves me because I grew up in an environment where those whom I adopted as parents[viii] showed love to me, believing that whatever I received was for my good.
We
Learn From What We Have Lived
The truth is children learn what they live and Dorothy Law Nolte[ix] reflects this perceptively in her timeless poem:
If your child lives with criticism, your child learns to condemn.
If your child lives with hostility, your child learns to fight.
If your child lives with ridicule, your child learns to be shy.
If your child lives with shame, your child learns to feel guilty.
If your child lives with tolerance, your child learns to be patient.
If your child lives with encouragement, your child learns confidence.
If your child lives with praise, your child learns to appreciate.
If your child lives with fairness, your child learns justice.
If your child lives with security, your child learns to have faith.
If your child lives with approval, your child learns to like himself.
If your child lives with acceptance and friendship, your child learns to find love in the world.
Honoring
Parents Is Honoring God
Whether we like it or not, everyone has a biological mother and father, and this is something that cannot be denied. Admittedly, there are same-sex couples who are trying to change this, so children grow up with two male figures or two female figures, with one masquerading as the other gender, leaving the child unaware of who one or both of their biological parents may be. Adopted children in heterosexual relationships are often raised without knowing their biological parents. When they realize this is the case, adopted children desire to know who their biological parents are. There appears to be a natural yearning among children who have been separated from their biological parents, particularly for their mothers. Every person seems to have this inner need to acknowledge his or her parents, from whom each has received his, or her, body and soul.
For children not to honor their father and mother means they are being disrespectful to God. Jesus made this point when noting that the religious leaders of his day insisted that giving an offering to the temple took precedence over supporting a person’s parents.
Then he said to them, “You have a fine way of rejecting the commandment of God in order to keep your tradition! For Moses said, ‘Honor your father and your mother’; and, ‘Whoever speaks evil of father or mother must surely die.’ But you say that if anyone tells father or mother, ‘Whatever support you might have had from me is Corban’ (that is, an offering to God)—then you no longer permit doing anything for a father or mother, thus making void the word of God through your tradition that you have handed on” (Mark 7:9-13).
As a young Christian, I was becoming known as a generous giver in the congregation I was attending. God spoke to me through the above passage of Scripture and challenged me to give to my parents what I was giving to the treasurer of the church. (There was no collection plate; all offerings were given to the treasurer.) I obeyed what I believed God was saying to me.[x] In doing so, I fell short of the treasurer’s expectations and, later on, as it happened, fell out of his favor.
The
Promise Of Long Life
At the beginning of the Second World War, Victor Frankl[xi] made the decision to forgo traveling to the USA to develop his life’s work, in preference to honoring his elderly parents and staying with them in Austria. He made this decision because of a tile his father had rescued from a synagogue that had been burned to the ground by Hitler’s political party. The tile contained the letter for the fifth word of the Decalogue: “You shall honor your parents so that your life will be long in the land that the Lord your God gives you.” Amazingly, when truckloads of Jews were being slaughtered en masse like cattle, Victor survived a harrowing seven years of German persecution and imprisonment and lived another fifty-nine years from the day of his decision. He died on September 2, 1997, as a testament to the truth of this fifth word from God.
The honoring of one’s parents is very important in the eyes of God. However, there is a difference between honoring God instead of our parents and not doing the will of God by meeting the needs of our parents, if they have a need and it is within our power to meet that need. Jesus said that those who do the will of God are His mother, brothers, and sisters. He also said that if anyone loves his mother or father more than Him, that person is not worthy of Him. This may seem contradictory, but when we see the completed jigsaw puzzle, it makes sense to honor the Creator before the created.
A rich young ruler confronted Jesus, claiming he had kept all the commandments from his youth and had honored his father and mother. He wanted to know what he must do to enter eternal life. We read:
“…Jesus, looking at him, loved him, and said to him, ‘You lack one thing: go and sell all you have and distribute to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; then follow me.’ Disheartened by this saying, he went away sorrowful, for he had great possessions” (Mark 10:21-22).
It is one thing to honor our parents, but another to honor God and our parents at the same time. God will give us twice as much as we might think we deserve if we honor both Him and our parents.
The fifth commandment comes with a promise that if we honor our father and mother in the Lord, all will be well for us, and our days will be long in the land that the Lord God gives us. It is God’s will that we prosper in all things and be in health, just as our soul prospers (3 John 1:2). More than this, God also promises us land of our own. However, nowadays it is probably better to use the word “property” rather than “land,” because in today’s world, people live in large cities, and wealth is not merely a matter of herds and land, but more about businesses, shares, dwellings, and commercial or industrial premises. The principle is the same; it is just that the commodities have changed because the nature of society has shifted from a rural culture and an agriculturally based economy to an urban culture and a technologically based economy.
The fifth commandment does not explicitly address how people are to be raised (although this is implied). Rather, the responsibility lies with each person to honor his or her father and mother, and in doing this, each one will honor God, as was the case concerning the Rechabites, who were reciprocally acknowledged by our Father in Heaven (Jeremiah 35:18-19). Nonetheless, it is clear from other Scriptures that parents have a responsibility in raising their children, even if they are not explicitly mentioned here. Moreover, it suffices to say that parents should not provoke their children (that is, cause them to be angry or resentful), which suggests that parental behavior plays an important role in raising children.
The fifth commandment points to God in that every person can be traced back to having come from the first man and woman whom God created (cf. Luke 3:38). God is the One who is the Father of all, the very Source of Life. Our lives exist, humanly speaking, because of our parents. But we all exist because God created the first man and woman, thereby creating us. While the first human beings knew God as their Creator, we do not—unless we seek Him out. If we have no respect for our parents simply because they are our parents, then it might seem impossible for us to have any respect for God. However, as in the case of Brian (mentioned earlier), who challenged God and put his mother before the Almighty, parents ought not to come between their children and the Author of Life.
Our parents are not mentioned in the fifth commandment as providing the land—God is! The Lord God simply requests that we honor our parents for what they have done in providing for our needs as children, but we should not put them on a pedestal and commit the sin of idolatry by placing them before the Lord God Almighty, our Creator, in whom alone dwells immortality. God alone is the only One worthy of worship. Jesus said that He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. However, true life is not the way of the world, because this world is enshrouded in death, whereas reality is eternal and transcends our understanding of biological life..
The
Second Birth
When asked what came first, the chicken or the egg, most people are perplexed. Biologists will argue that the egg came first. The truth is that unless God created the rooster, the hen would produce infertile eggs—there would be no chickens!
We tend to see things from a biological perspective and overlook the true reality of life—our spirituality. God is the Creator of the spirit that He places in us at birth. As spiritual beings within biological bodies, God is truly our eternal Father, in the sense that without Him, we would not exist. Just as Adam and Eve were designed as tripartite beings, so are we, obtaining our bodies and souls from our parents and our spirits from God. The difference is that we are not placed in the Garden of Eden; we are placed in a world that is ruled by sin and death.
The similarity between Adam and Eve and us does not end with God being the Creator of the spirits placed within us, which provide the ability to think and make our own decisions. Adam and Eve still had to eat from the Tree of Life if they were to live forever. Unfortunately, they chose to eat from the tree that leads to death and rejected God’s word as binding. We, too, must eat from the Tree of Life if we are to live forever and not remain dead like the chicken egg. However, this is now known as being born from above, or being born of the Word of God; that is, being born again. This is our choice. As Jesus said to Nicodemus:
“Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born again he cannot see the kingdom of God.”
Nicodemus said to him, “How can a man be born when he is old? Can he enter a second time into his mother’s womb and be born?”
Jesus answered, “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born of water and the Spirit, he cannot enter the kingdom of God. That which is born of the flesh is flesh, and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit. Do not marvel that I said to you, ‘You must be born again.’ The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear its sound, but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes. So it is with everyone who is born of the Spirit.” (John 3:3-8).
While we are to honor our earthly parents as expressed in this fifth commandment, the truth is we really need to be born of God if we are to truly honor our Heavenly Father and leave death behind to enter LIFE.
[i] Another view is the first three commandments relate to God, the next five relate to human dealings and the last two relate to a person’s private thoughts---although it is impossible to bear false witness against your neighbor in your private thoughts.
[ii] Otherwise known as the paddle for straightening one’s direction, or the cane that administers the lesser pain, rather than the painful reality that grows from the sting of death.
[iii]Disobedience usually results from psychological issues during child development that are formed as a consequence from unhealthy parent/child relationships, however, corporal punishment in the form of the rod of correction may be needed at times (sparingly) to bring a sense of reality in order to gain the child’s attention.
[iv] True shepherds have the concerns of the flock at heart. They do not abuse and use church members for personal gain.
[v]Long - Term Consequences of Child Abuse and Neglect. Child Welfare Information Gateway. Washington, D.C. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 2006.
[vi] Erickson, Erick. Childhood and Society. Norton New York 1950.
[vii]When growing up, my parents disappointed me, so I adopted two significant others as my parents. These two people did not know each other, but within my mind, I considered one my mother and the other my father. This gave me a sense of self-esteem that was otherwise lacking.
[viii] When growing up, my
parents disappointed me, so I adopted two significant others as my parents.
These two people did not know each other, but within my mind, I considered one
my mother and the other my father. This gave me a sense of self-esteem that was
otherwise lacking.
[ix] Dorothy
Law Nolte first wrote this poem for a Torrance newspaper in 1954. In 1972 she
decided to put a copyright on it, after learning that it had global popularity.
Los Angeles Times Nov.13,2005. https://www.latimes.com/archives/la-xpm-2005-nov-13-me-nolte13-story.html —retrieved
April 25,2025.
[x] Upon reflection, it was as if God was seeing whether I would honor my biological parents, having substituted them with two other people as my father and mother within my mind.
[xi] Frankl, Victor. Man’s
Search For Meaning. Beacon Press. Boston 2006. First published in German 1946.
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